My Brother

Cancelled my appointment so I could sit here and wait for my phone to ring, to reschedule the appointment I cancelled. Cuz that makes sense, correct? 

Ok, so lets back up a minute..

My foot is screwed again. Cut it open on that damn heating vent even though we changed it to something quite a bit smoother, and more “feet friendly.” Add this to the list of things commonly wrong with me, I suppose, cuz it doesn’t seem like I’m getting away from this one any time soon. And yes, it’s the same injury I incurred last year, that took a year to treat properly. No, I am not diabetic. Just…clumsy. Or something.
I started treatments on this last occasion of injury, on the last week of June, and so far I’ve made it to exactly 2 appointments out of 5.


I came here with the intention of writing out how I feel, about the recent death of my little brother, and how I miss my friend of 20 something years who also passed in March..and how it has affected us as a family, and how nice people have been, and how the service was amazing..
He was the strongest person I know. The best friend I always needed, and all around just..He was my brother. Killed by a heart attack, at 36.
I’m lost. I don’t know wtf to do, and I feel like I can’t help anybody. I do feel, with a certain precision, that these feelings may never go away.
I feel the most for my mother, and my nephew, and can’t imagine what my SIL is going through.
I do know that things will change, it will get different over time, and that there’s a lot of love in my family, and for my family.

And that’s about as far as I get before “I just cannot” anymore & just start reporting the things I’m doing as a statement of fact, just the facts, and no, I can not share any thoughts or feelings otherwise on the subject .

That’s all I got. Thanks for sticking around.

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Will post soon. Possibly.

Between health issues and recent deaths in my family and circle, I haven’t found many words. They will come soon. Probably.

And yes, that IS me on the book of faces. Again. Someones got to look after my brothers wife & kid. Or at least make it easier for them to contact us.

So..Soon. Possibly. Thanks for sticking around.

Daydreaming

It was at this point where I came across the shack I built for when I was homeless or lost, and the pile of reclaimed wood I kept for The Fire from all the Crosses I took down in my journeys.

I knew I needed a rest, so I went inside and decided to improve upon things, so I took the wood inside, and built a new land. One side, where the Old Ones could live, between the boards, and the Other, where I could let live the Snakes and the Cats, not all of them tame, but not all feral, either.
It was at that point further down, I could see where The Bad Things Are, and so I went to confront them, and see what they were on about, again. Dirt in my path, I dug through my way, to clean around the place until I came to the Oracle Wyrm, who said that all things were true, and he gave me The Fire so that he may rest, and all was good. Still, I had to get to the Bad Things, and see that they were brought in, so that the Angles of my Building were also true, and my Place of Being was one of comfort, and understanding.
It was when I came to Them, that I saw, and Understood, why I came here to rest. Like Dark knots hanging in the trees, the crows were asleep, as the Darkness surrounded me,  and I heard the chittering of The Bad Things in their Dark.
Their voices were Vile, and the Nothing was Strong, but I would live inside here, if I were to live at all, regardless of what The Fires said in my passing.
And so I grabbed my Key, and locked my door, and ran away, with the Wolves that spoke my Name, and the Night was fine again, and I found my way home, under the stars, to speak with the Moon.
I told her the Story of the Gods and the mailman, who came to my door, and she was pleased, and promised to make manifest these things, so that I may take them into my fold.

And as I awoke from my slumber, I knew I was ok, and that snake in the grass was of my making anyway. The Things in the Dark are not always nice, but I can see, and sometimes that’s enough for me.

Me & Mike

Its been just over a week now since I found out Mike died.

Mike was my friend for almost 25 years. It was always “Me & Mike.” If one of us was around, the other wasn’t far behind. Always causing trouble, somewhere. Me, waist deep in classic literature from dead  psychoanalists, him waist deep in books about various religions and the occult, we’d spark up the most hilarious arguments with people, drunk, high, whatever as hell, where ever we were. Our favorite argument “Can you tell us about your personal relationship with God?” sent many a woman, boy, or plain old punk assed kid crying to their mom.
Sometimes, these arguments were productive (if we liked you, which was rare) and we’d meet some of the best, (and worst) smartest people I’ve ever known.

At least, that’s how I’d like to remember him.

In truth, there was everything you’d expect from a 25 year long relationship with someone.
He saw me through some of the hardest times in my life, and I tried to help him through his. What was funny was that we never really thought we had any other friends, though we were always surrounded by people. Mostly folks I met through my brother, good folks that helped me out some, that I spent my *formative 20s with, mostly.
*Formative = We did a lot of drugs. And drank a lot. And I mean, a LOT. And by “we” I mean me.

Eventually, he found a woman & started a family, someone with whom he tried to set me up with first..it was one of the most hilariously bad match ups I’ve had that lasted about a week, if I recall correctly. They got along well enough, at first. I remember trying to start “the wave” at his civil union ceremony in the courtroom. The judge was not amused.

Then came Raven, his daughter. “Birdy Girl,” as we called her. A beautiful girl he was always so proud of. A girl any father would be proud to have.

That’s when things started to slow down. Responsibilities, & life in general kept us from being as much of a menace as we were..mostly. We’d argue, about this & that that we’d get ourselves into, and we’d leave each other be to deal with our own bullshit till the other would just show up. Still, we were always there for each other, to help, or just to plain forget life’s bullshit.

It was during one of these periods that I moved to the country, having enough of the city life, women, and just wanting to get clean. It was the best thing I could’ve ever done for myself, and one of the worst things to ever happen to me. Though I’ll still tell you I’d either be dead, or in prison if I’d stayed.

Five years later, I got ahold of Mike through a mutual friend. I knew right there & then why things were so…different. Hard. And I saw a change in him too, though we decided to just get over our bullshit, and support each other as we always had.
Sporadically we talked, as he was notoriously hard to get ahold of, and I was busy being me, lost in my solitude. It was strange, strained and hard, as I saw him go down the path of self destruction he’d bitch at me about earlier in our lives. And I regretted all of it. Putting him and everyone who loved me through all those things, and never having an answer to any of it. All the dumb mistakes I made..

I didn’t know how to help. So I tried to get him to come out here, get away from it all, and we even talked about him moving out here. We had it out once, out on the table. Everything we’d gone through, and all that was going on with us in our lives. Neither one of us was nice about it, but this was FAR from the first time that had happened.

Too late, I found out that was to be our last conversation.

Mike, I’m so sorry I couldn’t be there. I’m sorry for all the bullshit, and I’m sorry that you’re gone. You changed my life, and so many others. You will be missed.

But as far as I’m concerned, it’ll always be, me & Mike. See you when I get there, bud.

On Windows

It started out as a seed I planted in my brain quite some time ago, and, now, Ive come to examine it.
You see, I am afraid of sleeping under windows..and I want to know why.

So instead of telling you about how Im almost healed., and grandstanding about the insufferable righteousness of it all, I will sit here and just look.
I used to sleep under windows, or beside them, as the case may be, but then, I dont know. Something Happened.
And apparently my brain isnt pleased with it at all, because just the thought brings me back to nightmares of places Ive seen and been to a thousand times before, never looking, but realizing that these things were a part of me and yes, I am often stunned to the point of disbelief in some of the questions I get asked, or as it goes, sometimes offended to the point where I cannot speak, but I do understand and will make the bearer of said things aware of this..crudely, or not.
Bad mannerisms and all aside, this be a falsehood, and just a mask, albeit a rather thick one of an extremely stoic nature.
And sometimes I hear past my own screams and come to the conclusion that its all a lie, it always was a lie, and theres nothing in my power to dissuade this illusion I have placed upon myself but to just listen, and react accordingly. With some forethought to what comes out of my mouth, with or without exception.. But that too, is a lie, a falsehood that we all bear in regular intervals, and when did I become so paranoid?
It could be said that I am a coward, afraid to face myself or my fears straight on and instead go at them indirectly, like a lopsided image in a mirror, so I may be able to just observe instead of participating because I may find that I really dont like things at all the way they are, and there is some truth to that, but that is also a lie, because I wouldnt trade this for anything, because better the Devil you know, than someone elses bullshit. Or maybe because I really am a little man, who does what he does, and only 4″7′ at the looks of things, but appearances fade as soon as I stand up.
I can tell you with some idea, that the only thing I am in control with is the space directly in front of me, on the floor, at any given point in time. I can affect it how I wish, and although it may hurt me once or twice, I will get back up, and move again. To another space on the floor of my being wishful, as that sounds. Another falsehood.
The last time I slept under a window, about 12 years ago, I was with the one who took half my leg, and the fact that she shall not be named here should tell you enough about her. That hatred is also mine, although now faceless simply because I cannot remember it, it still lingers on in ways that I find daily, in animated little gestures from some place in time where I was truly passionate, and at once my own person.
Now, I feel as though I have been guided, carefully orchestrated into the person I am, fairly subdued, but not altogether easily excitable. Or the place that I am in, that this may or may have been part of some bigger Knowing of what I am to become?
I can say that with all assurances, I do not believe that some people are altogether truthful with me, but not in the manner of intent or bad mannerisms, just that they are who they are, and thus are a cause of distrust, which may or may not be my own fault.
I feel as though this may be some sort of self fulfilling prophecy, and therefore, may also be a lie, but sometimes truth, that comes out in ugly ways.
I know I sleep better farther away from people. Even in my own house, with my own mother I still do not get the rest I need if she is at home at all, noiseless or not.
So maybe its about trust. Trust that I wont get sucked out into a swirling void of Nothingness, or that Ill end up falling into some other Place where things are just Wrong, and Bad? Or maybe Im afraid that I cannot see the possibilities in the ways of things in front of me, like every single tree in a snowy landscape, the same, but each, altogether different in ways that are only meaningful if I could only approach them.

Maybe I already know why I cant sleep under windows. They make me feel.

Time, Life & Me

So these last few weeks have been ok.
Finally got the go ahead to do whatever from my docs, as there’s nothing left to do past a skin graft on Monday. A minor thing, on my foot, which has troubled me for months, but is as close to healing on its own as it’ll get.
And as for my heart, I’m fine, physically speaking. Went to cardio therapy today, and was basically told that it’s been at least 6 weeks since my heart attack & I should be fine..as long as I pay attention to my body. I have Spina Bifida. Listening to my body is what I do.

No migraines, since the med changes. And no more seizures as of yet. To say that I still fear another..would not be inaccurate. I’ll be ok.

My brother & his wife came up last weekend for my uncles cancer benefit. Greatest celebration of life I’ve ever been to. At least 200 folks showed up to participate, & show their support. It was great to see them all and I was glad I went. Though I learned a thing or two about just how much of a crowd I can handle nowadays. Not that I didn’t know before..but..let’s just say I can only deal with so much interference before the Valium just doesn’t work anymore.

Speaking of that, I may or may not be ok. Almost checked myself into mental health today. I’d like to blame the seasonal change, but this has gone on for a while. I feel safe, but I can’t stop crying. I choke up pretty regularly. Today in the hardware store was my clue that there’s something WRONG. I’m generally fairly self aware, but I don’t know what this is. And it’s gone on for months. At times, I feel like I’m alone with myself, and I’m ok. Other times I feel like I’m not alone (when I am) & I am NOT ok. My ma has noticed this, I’m sure, though she hasn’t brought it up, and I’m pretty sure she won’t. So has my girlfriend. She has brought it up.
Stress maybe. I just don’t know.

Went to go pay attention to the cats at the humane society today. Thats a nice break from things. Met some good friends, and nice people too. Nattie the tortie, spoke to me of secret things, as we traded names, & Brando the tuxedo, lent me his love of play. I miss them both already.

Everything is beautiful out my way, weather wise. Today was warm, with warm to stay for a few days. There’s still some leaves on our trees, though the colors are everywhere. Strange for early November in WI. The winds warn of bad things coming, but it usually does, at least this time of year, regardless.

So I guess that’s pretty much it. Hope all is well in your world. I’ll be around.

October Blues

“Does your phone work?”
Was not the answer I was looking for when asking my Doc if I’m healthy enough for camping out this weekend.
Whatever.
Ok, so lets back up a minute, shall we?

MINOR heart attack about 3 weeks ago. Ended up being sent from Amerys ER, to Regions in St Paul for an angiogram. Man, I hate that place. Its more of a clusterfuck than Amery Regional is. Though one would think that in a town full of mostly old people, there’d be a cardiac unit out here..there is not. Though there’s a Flight For Life chopper on standby. I got a spiffy ambulance ride.

Not that I’m old. It’s just “in my genes.”

Again, wtf ever.
So angiogram done and they found no arterial blockages. Maybe some in the lower part of my heart, where there was “evidence of previous damage” and very minor clogging of capillaries. Pill worthy, they said. Probably stress induced, they said. So now I try to keep my stress levels down, and not live my life as usual work myself too hard.
Guess I got lucky. At least that’s what everyone else says..I suppose its considering my previous health issues, and those that have really hammered me down this year. Its been my worst year so far. Even my 3 shunt replacements in 3 months a few years ago, or the year I lost half a leg to gangrene..They weren’t this hard, and nowhere near as stressful.
Did I mention I’m only 42? Yea. The answer to everything.
Riiight.

So Id like to get out before the snows come. You know, get away, sleep under a tree, commune with the Gods. Fire. That sort of thing.

Ive much more to speak of, but not at the moment. I promised you guys an update on the heart attack and here it is. When I get more time, I may speak of other things. Have a nice day.